Short and to the point

Dear Coworkers,

You did not get raped at the gas pump. Yes, gas is a lot of money, but paying a lot of money for gas isn't the same as being forced to have sex with someone against your will. That's what rape is. Its worse than high gas prices.

Why doesn't couple's counseling work?

That was a question I was asked today.

Couple's counseling doesn't work in DV relationships for two reasons really. An abusive person doesn't think they are doing anything wrong, and an abused person isn't going to talk in front of their abuser.

Abusers don't take responsibility for anything they do. They will deny hitting someone, calling someone a name, raping someone, etc. Or, they will make it the victim's fault. "I wouldn't have to hit you if you'd just do what I asked you to", "I bought you this fancy thing, you owe me". You know, because they're classy like that.

An abused person, regardless of how much they need the therapy isn't going to say a word to that therapist. It is very likely that if they do, things will be much, much worse when they go home.

There's actually a third reason. The fact that you can't make a person change. An abusive person will not change just because you want them to. They will not get anything out of therapy because again, they aren't the problem, the abused person is. Which only serves to further demolish their self esteem and independence.

The Hardest Question

The question that I get asked the most, and the one that is hardest to answer is, "Why do women stay in abusive relationships?" The question itself is already problematic, but then again so are the answers.

The problem with the question is that it is assuming that Domestic Violence only happens to women. This is simply not true. Domestic Violence happens to both men and women alike, however it is a severely under reported crime. Statistics regarding the abuse that happens to women are most likely incorrect, as many women do not report it. Even fewer men report it, but it does happen to them. The reasons men do not report it are numerous and varied. My first hand experence with male victims of D.V. reveals the following:

• They are embarrassed to admit they are being overpowered by a woman (in the case of straight males)
• They feel like no one would believe them
• They do not want to out themselves (in the case of closeted gay males)
• They feel that this is a problem they should be able to handle on their own
• They feel that there are no resources for men available to them

All of these are very valid fears. When men do speak up and ask for help they are often met by disbelieving law enforcement, and shelters that do not take men and have no services for them. In the case of gay males there is an extra hurdle of homophobia, and having to out oneself when it may not be safe to do so. But, just because it isn't reported, that doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

Now, the meat and potatoes of the question, why do people stay? Again, not an easy answer. Let's start at the beginning. The definition of Domestic Violence is: one person's attempts to control another through any means necessary. Let me break down some of those means:

• Isolating a person from his or her family and friends, either by moving them to a remote location, forbidding them to contact them, not letting them into the house, or by physically restraining the victim so he or she is unable to leave the house.
• This isolation also includes getting a victim fired from his or her job so they become financially dependent on the abuser, selling the victim's mode of transportation so they are unable to leave, and stalking and keeping track of where the victim goes, how long they are gone, and who they are with.
• Physical and sexual abuse, threatening to harm children and/or pets, threatening to commit suicide if the victim leaves, brandishing of weapons, and/or self harm
• Abusers may also incorporate a myriad of insults and put downs, effectively destroying the victim's self esteem and making them feel insignificant and worthless

All of these things lead to a broken person that is unable to muster up the physical and emotional strength to leave their abuser. They may have become financially dependent on this person, they may legitimately fear for their lives, and/or they may not have and financial means to leave.

Another aspect that plays into this is society and social norms. Society tells us that we are supposed to grow up and get married and have a family. Religion tells us that marriage is "unto death do us part". The American dream tells us that the nuclear family is what's best, a mother, a father, children and a dog. This coupled with a broken person, at least in heterosexual relationships is often enough to guilt a victim into staying.

The third aspect, and perhaps the one that is the hardest to understand is love. At some point these victims loved their abusers. They may still love them. It is hard to forget that at some point, this person wasn't abusive and things were great. Victims hold on to the hope that their abuser will change, and their relationship will be like it was in the beginning, if only they get things right: if they keep the kids quiet and the house clean and dinner on time and wear the right clothes and say the right things everything will be fine. They genuinely believe this, it's all they have to keep them going.

And when I tell them that it won't happen, that their abuser is unlikely to change just because they want them to, the ones that aren't ready, the ones that need help the most, the ones that live in danger an fear everyday, they look at me like I'm insane, assure me that their abuser is different, and that they can fix them.

That's the long answer to why people stay. The short answer, and the one that I give when I've had a rough day, however, is "So they won't get murdered by their partners".