Why doesn't couple's counseling work?

That was a question I was asked today.

Couple's counseling doesn't work in DV relationships for two reasons really. An abusive person doesn't think they are doing anything wrong, and an abused person isn't going to talk in front of their abuser.

Abusers don't take responsibility for anything they do. They will deny hitting someone, calling someone a name, raping someone, etc. Or, they will make it the victim's fault. "I wouldn't have to hit you if you'd just do what I asked you to", "I bought you this fancy thing, you owe me". You know, because they're classy like that.

An abused person, regardless of how much they need the therapy isn't going to say a word to that therapist. It is very likely that if they do, things will be much, much worse when they go home.

There's actually a third reason. The fact that you can't make a person change. An abusive person will not change just because you want them to. They will not get anything out of therapy because again, they aren't the problem, the abused person is. Which only serves to further demolish their self esteem and independence.

Lacking

Sometimes the hardest part of my job is the things I lack.

There is a serious lack of empathy, funds, resources, and motivation. These things combined lead to a serious lack of a solution the problem that is Domestic Violence.

Have a client that needs therapy, but your therapist is full? Tough shit. Oh, said client doesn't have private health insurance? Good fucking luck. Oh, the Department of Mental Health is closed and doesn't have a waiting list? Sorry client, go home and try to deal.

Other staff members joke about how client is crazy, or make light of rape, or just don't understand why someone would have an abortion, turn to drugs, put a child up for adoption, turn to prostitution to make money. Realize that they lack empathy and understanding, and only one of those can be learned.

Our program is full? Sorry, have to turn people away. No it isn't a matter of you being able to pay, we physically do not have the funding, staff, or room for more clients. Solution? Cut the budget some more!

Client doesn't have a GED/High school Diploma? Give client the number to the adult school, advise them to call, client never calls. Become frustrated because you know that the client is capable of earning said diploma, but is unable to motivate themselves to do so because they are so emotionally scarred. Attempt to find client a therapist; start cycle all over again.

Today was a rough day.

Cocaine is a coping method

Today a client went into crisis. I'm not sure what sent her into it, but the end result was crying, apologizing, and generally a bad time.

She confided that after she left her abuser she became reliant on cocaine because it was numbing. It numbed the pain, the shock, the disbelief, the guilt, the sadness. It was her coping mechanism. She didn't want to feel, and she knew this drug would keep her from feeling.

Her abuser, whom she was/is still married too was a monster. Physically abusive, verbally abusive, sexually abusive. This is a man that blew up her car so she was unable to leave him. I think I might have done coke too.

This client was surprised when I told her that I understood why she did what she did. She was astounded when I didn't judge her. Who am I to judge? Who is anyone to judge? She did what was necessary for her to survive, there's no way I can disapprove of that. She realized, eventually, that it was a short term solution, and a bad one at that, and stopped using.

However, she desperately needs a therapist. I am not a therapist, although I do my best to listen. Our therapist is full. Where am I supposed to send a woman with Medicaid that needs therapy? And not just any therapy, therapy for domestic violence. The answer is almost nowhere. I'm trying to find her a place, but I don't know if I'll succeed.

That scares me the most.