Sometimes the hardest part of my job is the things I lack.
There is a serious lack of empathy, funds, resources, and motivation. These things combined lead to a serious lack of a solution the problem that is Domestic Violence.
Have a client that needs therapy, but your therapist is full? Tough shit. Oh, said client doesn't have private health insurance? Good fucking luck. Oh, the Department of Mental Health is closed and doesn't have a waiting list? Sorry client, go home and try to deal.
Other staff members joke about how client is crazy, or make light of rape, or just don't understand why someone would have an abortion, turn to drugs, put a child up for adoption, turn to prostitution to make money. Realize that they lack empathy and understanding, and only one of those can be learned.
Our program is full? Sorry, have to turn people away. No it isn't a matter of you being able to pay, we physically do not have the funding, staff, or room for more clients. Solution? Cut the budget some more!
Client doesn't have a GED/High school Diploma? Give client the number to the adult school, advise them to call, client never calls. Become frustrated because you know that the client is capable of earning said diploma, but is unable to motivate themselves to do so because they are so emotionally scarred. Attempt to find client a therapist; start cycle all over again.
Today was a rough day.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Cocaine is a coping method
Today a client went into crisis. I'm not sure what sent her into it, but the end result was crying, apologizing, and generally a bad time.
She confided that after she left her abuser she became reliant on cocaine because it was numbing. It numbed the pain, the shock, the disbelief, the guilt, the sadness. It was her coping mechanism. She didn't want to feel, and she knew this drug would keep her from feeling.
Her abuser, whom she was/is still married too was a monster. Physically abusive, verbally abusive, sexually abusive. This is a man that blew up her car so she was unable to leave him. I think I might have done coke too.
This client was surprised when I told her that I understood why she did what she did. She was astounded when I didn't judge her. Who am I to judge? Who is anyone to judge? She did what was necessary for her to survive, there's no way I can disapprove of that. She realized, eventually, that it was a short term solution, and a bad one at that, and stopped using.
However, she desperately needs a therapist. I am not a therapist, although I do my best to listen. Our therapist is full. Where am I supposed to send a woman with Medicaid that needs therapy? And not just any therapy, therapy for domestic violence. The answer is almost nowhere. I'm trying to find her a place, but I don't know if I'll succeed.
That scares me the most.
She confided that after she left her abuser she became reliant on cocaine because it was numbing. It numbed the pain, the shock, the disbelief, the guilt, the sadness. It was her coping mechanism. She didn't want to feel, and she knew this drug would keep her from feeling.
Her abuser, whom she was/is still married too was a monster. Physically abusive, verbally abusive, sexually abusive. This is a man that blew up her car so she was unable to leave him. I think I might have done coke too.
This client was surprised when I told her that I understood why she did what she did. She was astounded when I didn't judge her. Who am I to judge? Who is anyone to judge? She did what was necessary for her to survive, there's no way I can disapprove of that. She realized, eventually, that it was a short term solution, and a bad one at that, and stopped using.
However, she desperately needs a therapist. I am not a therapist, although I do my best to listen. Our therapist is full. Where am I supposed to send a woman with Medicaid that needs therapy? And not just any therapy, therapy for domestic violence. The answer is almost nowhere. I'm trying to find her a place, but I don't know if I'll succeed.
That scares me the most.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Today we talked about rape
The topics for my classes are set. I cannot change them. I have tried with no success. Today was my least favorite topic: Acquaintance Rape and How You Can Avoid It. The problems start with the title itself.
The fact that we are still teaching women to not be raped instead of teaching men not to rape is hugely problematic. It only serves to reinforce victim blaming and shaming. We shouldn't have to warn women to watch their drinks when they go out, to not dress too "slutty", to fear walking home at night, to take self defense classes, to not be "easy" or "fast" or "loose". I shouldn't have to teach this. Because women and men don't have the onus not to be raped, rapists have the responsibility to not rape. But alas, its part of the curriculum, so I had to cover it.
However, there is no rule about supplementing the curriculum. So, I printed out this fantastic blog post Rape Culture 101 to add to my handouts. My group was small for some reason today, but that's ok. When dealing with this topic in particular I make it very clear that my clients don't have to share if they don't want to (this is true for any day, but I especially don't have to trigger them about rape), but I did ask if they wanted to take turns reading Rape Culture 101 out loud. Three people volunteered. It was awesome. It was powerful. These are ordinary women, most of them not college educated, most of them going through life not realizing how powerful society is in shaping their views and normalizing things like rape, violence against women and minorities, and domestic violence.
Today was tough love. They cried, they got angry, they asked questions. They began to understand that they experience rape culture everyday: inappropriate touching on the bus, cat calls from men on the street, being judged for what they wear when they go out, telling me they don't drink in clubs or bars because they are afraid of being taken advantage of, not accepting drinks from men because they don't want to "owe" them, etc.
Today was the day they realized they were victims of rape. The saddest part, to me, is that no one ever told them they don't have to have sex with someone. They honestly believed that if a man did something nice for them, if a they were married to a man, if they accepted a gift, or "really loved" him they'd have sex. They didn't see that as rape. They saw a man in the bushes ambushing them, dragging them to the ground and violently forcing them as rape, because that's what rape is according to the media. When they found out that most rapes are perpetrated by someone they know, or someone they have had sex with before, that they might not involve fighting and weapons, but fear, intimidation, alcohol/and or drugs, the realization dawns.
And it is heartbreaking. It is heartbreaking to watch, knowing what they're trying to process. And all I can do is lead them through it. I can listen, justify their anger, their sadness, their defeat. I can tell them it wasn't their fault and they didn't deserve it, that they are awesome people and that I am proud of them for being in my class. I can offer a box of tissues and a hug, but I can't take back what has happened to them. And I can't necessarily convince them to believe me.
I can only hope, that one day, with time, they will.
The fact that we are still teaching women to not be raped instead of teaching men not to rape is hugely problematic. It only serves to reinforce victim blaming and shaming. We shouldn't have to warn women to watch their drinks when they go out, to not dress too "slutty", to fear walking home at night, to take self defense classes, to not be "easy" or "fast" or "loose". I shouldn't have to teach this. Because women and men don't have the onus not to be raped, rapists have the responsibility to not rape. But alas, its part of the curriculum, so I had to cover it.
However, there is no rule about supplementing the curriculum. So, I printed out this fantastic blog post Rape Culture 101 to add to my handouts. My group was small for some reason today, but that's ok. When dealing with this topic in particular I make it very clear that my clients don't have to share if they don't want to (this is true for any day, but I especially don't have to trigger them about rape), but I did ask if they wanted to take turns reading Rape Culture 101 out loud. Three people volunteered. It was awesome. It was powerful. These are ordinary women, most of them not college educated, most of them going through life not realizing how powerful society is in shaping their views and normalizing things like rape, violence against women and minorities, and domestic violence.
Today was tough love. They cried, they got angry, they asked questions. They began to understand that they experience rape culture everyday: inappropriate touching on the bus, cat calls from men on the street, being judged for what they wear when they go out, telling me they don't drink in clubs or bars because they are afraid of being taken advantage of, not accepting drinks from men because they don't want to "owe" them, etc.
Today was the day they realized they were victims of rape. The saddest part, to me, is that no one ever told them they don't have to have sex with someone. They honestly believed that if a man did something nice for them, if a they were married to a man, if they accepted a gift, or "really loved" him they'd have sex. They didn't see that as rape. They saw a man in the bushes ambushing them, dragging them to the ground and violently forcing them as rape, because that's what rape is according to the media. When they found out that most rapes are perpetrated by someone they know, or someone they have had sex with before, that they might not involve fighting and weapons, but fear, intimidation, alcohol/and or drugs, the realization dawns.
And it is heartbreaking. It is heartbreaking to watch, knowing what they're trying to process. And all I can do is lead them through it. I can listen, justify their anger, their sadness, their defeat. I can tell them it wasn't their fault and they didn't deserve it, that they are awesome people and that I am proud of them for being in my class. I can offer a box of tissues and a hug, but I can't take back what has happened to them. And I can't necessarily convince them to believe me.
I can only hope, that one day, with time, they will.
Friday, March 18, 2011
The Hardest Question
The question that I get asked the most, and the one that is hardest to answer is, "Why do women stay in abusive relationships?" The question itself is already problematic, but then again so are the answers.
The problem with the question is that it is assuming that Domestic Violence only happens to women. This is simply not true. Domestic Violence happens to both men and women alike, however it is a severely under reported crime. Statistics regarding the abuse that happens to women are most likely incorrect, as many women do not report it. Even fewer men report it, but it does happen to them. The reasons men do not report it are numerous and varied. My first hand experence with male victims of D.V. reveals the following:
Now, the meat and potatoes of the question, why do people stay? Again, not an easy answer. Let's start at the beginning. The definition of Domestic Violence is: one person's attempts to control another through any means necessary. Let me break down some of those means:
Another aspect that plays into this is society and social norms. Society tells us that we are supposed to grow up and get married and have a family. Religion tells us that marriage is "unto death do us part". The American dream tells us that the nuclear family is what's best, a mother, a father, children and a dog. This coupled with a broken person, at least in heterosexual relationships is often enough to guilt a victim into staying.
The third aspect, and perhaps the one that is the hardest to understand is love. At some point these victims loved their abusers. They may still love them. It is hard to forget that at some point, this person wasn't abusive and things were great. Victims hold on to the hope that their abuser will change, and their relationship will be like it was in the beginning, if only they get things right: if they keep the kids quiet and the house clean and dinner on time and wear the right clothes and say the right things everything will be fine. They genuinely believe this, it's all they have to keep them going.
And when I tell them that it won't happen, that their abuser is unlikely to change just because they want them to, the ones that aren't ready, the ones that need help the most, the ones that live in danger an fear everyday, they look at me like I'm insane, assure me that their abuser is different, and that they can fix them.
That's the long answer to why people stay. The short answer, and the one that I give when I've had a rough day, however, is "So they won't get murdered by their partners".
The problem with the question is that it is assuming that Domestic Violence only happens to women. This is simply not true. Domestic Violence happens to both men and women alike, however it is a severely under reported crime. Statistics regarding the abuse that happens to women are most likely incorrect, as many women do not report it. Even fewer men report it, but it does happen to them. The reasons men do not report it are numerous and varied. My first hand experence with male victims of D.V. reveals the following:
- They are embarrassed to admit they are being overpowered by a woman (in the case of straight males)
- They feel like no one would believe them
- They do not want to out themselves (in the case of closeted gay males)
- They feel that this is a problem they should be able to handle on their own
- They feel that there are no resources for men available to them
Now, the meat and potatoes of the question, why do people stay? Again, not an easy answer. Let's start at the beginning. The definition of Domestic Violence is: one person's attempts to control another through any means necessary. Let me break down some of those means:
- Isolating a person from his or her family and friends, either by moving them to a remote location, forbidding them to contact them, not letting them into the house, or by physically restraining the victim so he or she is unable to leave the house.
- This isolation also includes getting a victim fired from his or her job so they become financially dependent on the abuser, selling the victim's mode of transportation so they are unable to leave, and stalking and keeping track of where the victim goes, how long they are gone, and who they are with.
- Physical and sexual abuse, threatening to harm children and/or pets, threatening to commit suicide if the victim leaves, brandishing of weapons, and/or self harm
- Abusers may also incorporate a myriad of insults and put downs, effectively destroying the victim's self esteem and making them feel insignificant and worthless
Another aspect that plays into this is society and social norms. Society tells us that we are supposed to grow up and get married and have a family. Religion tells us that marriage is "unto death do us part". The American dream tells us that the nuclear family is what's best, a mother, a father, children and a dog. This coupled with a broken person, at least in heterosexual relationships is often enough to guilt a victim into staying.
The third aspect, and perhaps the one that is the hardest to understand is love. At some point these victims loved their abusers. They may still love them. It is hard to forget that at some point, this person wasn't abusive and things were great. Victims hold on to the hope that their abuser will change, and their relationship will be like it was in the beginning, if only they get things right: if they keep the kids quiet and the house clean and dinner on time and wear the right clothes and say the right things everything will be fine. They genuinely believe this, it's all they have to keep them going.
And when I tell them that it won't happen, that their abuser is unlikely to change just because they want them to, the ones that aren't ready, the ones that need help the most, the ones that live in danger an fear everyday, they look at me like I'm insane, assure me that their abuser is different, and that they can fix them.
That's the long answer to why people stay. The short answer, and the one that I give when I've had a rough day, however, is "So they won't get murdered by their partners".
I Always Take My Work Home With Me
It is a Friday night. I don't work weekends, and yet, I can't get away from my work. Right now Ike and Tina is on VH1. I don't know why I'm watching it; it's making me feel physically ill. But yet, I cannot turn it off. But this post isn't about that, this is an introductory post, and I'm already off topic.
I work as a Domestic Violence Case Manager/Group Facilitator for a non profit Domestic Violence Council somewhere in the United States. My main goal is to educate. My clients are women and men that have been, or are currently in, violent relationships. I attempt to teach them how to recognize the signs of violent people, how to find themselves, and how to not repeat the cycle of violence. This in itself is a daunting, seemingly impossible task. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes people don't want my help, sometimes they are beyond help. Sometimes there's nothing I can do to help, and that is the hardest.
The purpose of this blog is twofold; to be a cathartic release for me, and hopefully a source of education for you. I promise it'll get more interesting in the future. Hell, in the next post even. Stick with me, you won't be disappointed.
I work as a Domestic Violence Case Manager/Group Facilitator for a non profit Domestic Violence Council somewhere in the United States. My main goal is to educate. My clients are women and men that have been, or are currently in, violent relationships. I attempt to teach them how to recognize the signs of violent people, how to find themselves, and how to not repeat the cycle of violence. This in itself is a daunting, seemingly impossible task. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes people don't want my help, sometimes they are beyond help. Sometimes there's nothing I can do to help, and that is the hardest.
The purpose of this blog is twofold; to be a cathartic release for me, and hopefully a source of education for you. I promise it'll get more interesting in the future. Hell, in the next post even. Stick with me, you won't be disappointed.
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