I'm totally never going to update this thing daily

And I apologize for that. Some days I am just far too apathetic to bring myself to write here. I wish I were joking.

I'd like to take the time, however, to point out that the shelter has rules for a reason. I mean, they may not be the greatest rules, like, no you can't have your cell phone, and no you can't drink and do drugs, but I mean those aren't really unreasonable per se. Also, that other rule, the one about not getting together with other clients at the shelter. Yeah, you shouldn't do that either. Unless you're looking to get kicked out.

Frustration

It is extremely frustrating (and disheartening) when a client goes through the shelter, and half of my program, and gets found by her abuser and subjected to approximately 16 hours of verbal and physical abuse. Yeah, that happened today.

I just don't know what else to say other than that my job isn't glamorous and that people are crazy.

My Day in Meme Form

Not much happened

Not much happened today. Or yesterday. I had an intake today that didn't know why she was sent to our program, as her DV happened in 1995 and her abuser is dead. She stated that she really needed help with anxiety and depression. That's not really our specialty so I had to send her someone else.

Another person called on the phone. I couldn't help her because we're full. That's the worst feeling in the world. Turning someone away because we don't have the space, staff, money. I wish DV had more money. More programs, more solutions, more publicity, and not just the "Man kills wife and kids, live at 11" kind. The kind where we tell people that a relationship shouldn't be controlling and violent, and that abused people can go on to live wonderful lives.

That would be awesome.

I need to get on tv.

Short and to the point

Dear Coworkers,

You did not get raped at the gas pump. Yes, gas is a lot of money, but paying a lot of money for gas isn't the same as being forced to have sex with someone against your will. That's what rape is. Its worse than high gas prices.

Why doesn't couple's counseling work?

That was a question I was asked today.

Couple's counseling doesn't work in DV relationships for two reasons really. An abusive person doesn't think they are doing anything wrong, and an abused person isn't going to talk in front of their abuser.

Abusers don't take responsibility for anything they do. They will deny hitting someone, calling someone a name, raping someone, etc. Or, they will make it the victim's fault. "I wouldn't have to hit you if you'd just do what I asked you to", "I bought you this fancy thing, you owe me". You know, because they're classy like that.

An abused person, regardless of how much they need the therapy isn't going to say a word to that therapist. It is very likely that if they do, things will be much, much worse when they go home.

There's actually a third reason. The fact that you can't make a person change. An abusive person will not change just because you want them to. They will not get anything out of therapy because again, they aren't the problem, the abused person is. Which only serves to further demolish their self esteem and independence.

About that updating daily thing..

I messed that up didn't I? I apologize. I went on vacation and I've been tired and stressed since I got home, not to mention lacking in motivation. I was so tired yesterday that I don't think I even remembered what I did at work.

Let's do today. Today will be short and sweet. I got yelled at (on the phone) because someone was upset that their "family member" had been closed out. Regardless of the fact that this person had successfully completed the program. I didn't know what to tell this phone caller. There was nothing I could tell her (confidentiality) and I really couldn't understand what she wanted me to do.

Sometimes people are funny.

Two Imitrex and rape

Today was a two Imitrex day. That in itself means it'll be a bad day. Woke up with a migraine, took an Imitrex and downed a Coke Zero, hoping that it'd sort itself out before I went to work. It dissipated some, and I rode my bike to work.

When I got there, however, I remembered that I had to talk about rape. Again. This time it was different though. Less crying, more discussion. It was better, but still not good. It'll never be good.

The woman from this post, the one that used drugs as a coping method had a hard time. Which is understandable, but still hard. Being in my groups has brought up all the things she worked so hard to push down. They are all coming at once and she doesn't know how to sort them. There's guilt, anger, disbelief, confusion, and a feeling of loss. All at once, all the time. I suggested she journal, write down what she's feeling, and that maybe that way she'll be able to sort through the feelings. I gave her a notebook, and told her to write whatever comes out. I told her she could draw pictures or make collages, anything, but to get it out. I told her she could keep it private, she could ask me to read it, whatever she wanted to do. But just to get it out. Try it for a week I said. She agreed. I hope it helps.

After group my headache was back in full force. My last Imitrex found its way into my system. Sometime after lunch it was finally gone. Which was good, because I still had the night group to contend with.

The night group was better. A different topic, a different dynamic. They're getting used to me, laughing at my jokes. We're progressing on the journey of trusting each other. Their topic was recovery. I always start that one at the beginning: What are we recovering from? There's always silence. For some reason, maybe shame, maybe fear, they don't say it. They don't say “abuse”. I have to answer the question for them.

We talked about them making a safe place in their homes, or anywhere really. A place where they feel comfortable, serene, calm. They look at me like I’m crazy, not understanding what I’m trying to get at. My example is when kids make blanket forts. Kids feel safe under the covers; nothing can get you you're under your comforter. That usually hits home. Some of them already have one, a chair on the porch, a tree in the park. I explain to them that it doesn't necessarily have to be a place, that it can be a thing, a memory, a picture, a scent. I tell them mine. Mine is my dog, she makes me feel safe and loved (my other is the smell of my girlfriend's laundry detergent, but I don't tell them that one, that one's just for me).

We build on that place. That's the place where they remember the things that they liked to do. Where they remember who they were before they were in an abusive relationship. It is the place where they find new things that they like to do, things that they want to try. It is the place where they grow. We talk about making time for themselves. Even 5 minutes a day, as long as they don't forget themselves. I suggest they start small; try a new restaurant, a new grocery store, volunteer somewhere, something that's new.

Recovery isn't easy, but we have to start somewhere, and baby steps is the easiest way to start.

I miss my group

My intake from yesterday didn't show up today. I'm not sure what happened, but I hope she calls me back so we can finish. And I hope that she's ok.

I may have mentioned before that Wednesday group used to be my group. I wish it still was my group. I inherited it from a previous coworker that was awesome, and as such his group was pretty awesome too. They soon became my group and we got on fabulously. Because of new employees and the training schedule I've had to give up my Wednesday group to someone else, for the time being. Its hard to do. It really is like giving up a prized possession; like your favorite comic book, or the quilt your grandmother made, or the shell you picked up on the beach with your significant other during a perfect beach day. It hurts.

It hurts more when they tell you they miss you, and are angry about the change. And isn't there anything I can do? Which quickly turns into, “What other days do you teach, can I come to one of those groups?” It would be easier if the person that has taken my group was well qualified to do so. But she's new, lacks training and unfortunately empathy and understanding. And there really isn't much I can do about that, as much as I want to.

All I can do is tell them to be honest on facilitator evaluations, and to bring any concerns they have to my supervisor.

My patience also lacks when the new facilitator of my group tells me that my clients are giving her “attitude” and being “disrespectful”, when the reality is that they are scared, confused, and upset over the sudden change. The fact that this facilitator doesn't understand this worries me. And I hope that someone else catches on to it as well, before something goes wrong.

I miss Wednesday group, but I hope they know that I'll always be there for them if they need me.

Client screening

We do intakes to screen clients/find out background information. Today I had to explain to a woman that we couldn't allow her into the program because she had been arrested for spousal abuse. I had to explain that unless she had court documentation stating that the charges were dropped or dismissed there was nothing we could do.

She explained that she was afraid, and had grabbed a bar from a set of weights to hit her abuser before he hit her. And that when the police came out they arrested her because he was the one that was injured. I told her I understood, and that I believed her, but we had a policy. I advised her to contact the courts, and that we would gladly accept her into the program if she got the proper documentation.

She understood, and went to the courthouse right away. They didn't have any paperwork. The most the clerk could do was explain that her case was rejected by the D.A. That was enough for us. She's coming back tomorrow to finish her intake.

Today a little bit of my faith in the justice system was restored. Today things worked out. Today was a good day.

Monday always comes too fast

I don't do group on Monday. I used to, but then someone else got hired and I had to give up my group. Instead of group I do orientation. Orientation is about as fun as it sounds. Today one person came for orientation. One is better than none though.

Mondays are usually the boring parts of my job. Filing, answering phone calls, filling out paperwork, correcting files.

I absolutely loathe filing. The amount of paperwork we do is absurd, not to mention oftentimes redundant. But necessary I suppose.

Mostly today was me, bent over a file, listening to The Knife on my iPod, ignoring my coworkers as much as possible, trying to keep distractions to a minimum.

Totally glamorous.

This happened on Thursday

And starting today I'm going to try to update daily, even if it is somewhat mundane. But alas, Thursday.

Domestic violence is the hemorrhoid of society. That's what I told my clients in Thursday night group. And its true. It isn't something that we talk about as a society, and its still something that is embarrassing for someone to talk about. And that makes me mad. Why do we wait for someone to get really hurt, or for someone to die before it makes the news? Why do we not teach our children that domestic violence is not acceptable?

Why are we still afraid to talk about this when it happens to so many people? Why is this still somewhat acceptable in our society?

Why is the hardest question to answer.

This one took a long time to process

On Thurdays I don't go in until 10:00am. This is due to the fact that the new people in my office need to take training and so the people that don't need training get to pick up their slack. But alas, I'm off topic.

Thursday morning I get in, put my stuff on my desk, turn on my computer, and the phone rings. Since we are down a receptionist I answer it. Its my client, and she sounds, for lack of better words, out of it.

She tells me that she just got out of the hospital and won't be in group because her face is all swollen. I pause for a second and tell her that its Thursday, not Wednesday, and that she doesn't have group today. She is unfazed by this fact, but just reiterates that she cannot come to group.

I asked her what happened. She said her husband came home and was hallucinating that the police were in the bedroom, and that she was going to tell them what he was doing. He beat her, he locked her in the closet, he sexually assaulted her, he bit her, he hit and kicked her, he choked her. This went on from one afternoon until the next morning. 

In the morning he left her in the room, he woke up the kids, made them breakfast and took them to school. She called the police. He ran when the police showed up. She doesn't know where he is. She spent the night in the hospital, she had social services visit her house, she is bruised and beaten physically and emotionally. She has to deal with the aftermath.

And he, if he gets caught, he will get a slap on the wrist. Fuck everything about that.

Lacking

Sometimes the hardest part of my job is the things I lack.

There is a serious lack of empathy, funds, resources, and motivation. These things combined lead to a serious lack of a solution the problem that is Domestic Violence.

Have a client that needs therapy, but your therapist is full? Tough shit. Oh, said client doesn't have private health insurance? Good fucking luck. Oh, the Department of Mental Health is closed and doesn't have a waiting list? Sorry client, go home and try to deal.

Other staff members joke about how client is crazy, or make light of rape, or just don't understand why someone would have an abortion, turn to drugs, put a child up for adoption, turn to prostitution to make money. Realize that they lack empathy and understanding, and only one of those can be learned.

Our program is full? Sorry, have to turn people away. No it isn't a matter of you being able to pay, we physically do not have the funding, staff, or room for more clients. Solution? Cut the budget some more!

Client doesn't have a GED/High school Diploma? Give client the number to the adult school, advise them to call, client never calls. Become frustrated because you know that the client is capable of earning said diploma, but is unable to motivate themselves to do so because they are so emotionally scarred. Attempt to find client a therapist; start cycle all over again.

Today was a rough day.

Cocaine is a coping method

Today a client went into crisis. I'm not sure what sent her into it, but the end result was crying, apologizing, and generally a bad time.

She confided that after she left her abuser she became reliant on cocaine because it was numbing. It numbed the pain, the shock, the disbelief, the guilt, the sadness. It was her coping mechanism. She didn't want to feel, and she knew this drug would keep her from feeling.

Her abuser, whom she was/is still married too was a monster. Physically abusive, verbally abusive, sexually abusive. This is a man that blew up her car so she was unable to leave him. I think I might have done coke too.

This client was surprised when I told her that I understood why she did what she did. She was astounded when I didn't judge her. Who am I to judge? Who is anyone to judge? She did what was necessary for her to survive, there's no way I can disapprove of that. She realized, eventually, that it was a short term solution, and a bad one at that, and stopped using.

However, she desperately needs a therapist. I am not a therapist, although I do my best to listen. Our therapist is full. Where am I supposed to send a woman with Medicaid that needs therapy? And not just any therapy, therapy for domestic violence. The answer is almost nowhere. I'm trying to find her a place, but I don't know if I'll succeed.

That scares me the most.

Today we talked about rape

The topics for my classes are set. I cannot change them. I have tried with no success. Today was my least favorite topic: Acquaintance Rape and How You Can Avoid It. The problems start with the title itself.

The fact that we are still teaching women to not be raped instead of teaching men not to rape is hugely problematic. It only serves to reinforce victim blaming and shaming. We shouldn't have to warn women to watch their drinks when they go out, to not dress too "slutty", to fear walking home at night, to take self defense classes, to not be "easy" or "fast" or "loose". I shouldn't have to teach this. Because women and men don't have the onus not to be raped, rapists have the responsibility to not rape. But alas, its part of the curriculum, so I had to cover it.

However, there is no rule about supplementing the curriculum. So, I printed out this fantastic blog post Rape Culture 101 to add to my handouts. My group was small for some reason today, but that's ok. When dealing with this topic in particular I make it very clear that my clients don't have to share if they don't want to (this is true for any day, but I especially don't have to trigger them about rape), but I did ask if they wanted to take turns reading Rape Culture 101 out loud. Three people volunteered. It was awesome. It was powerful. These are ordinary women, most of them not college educated, most of them going through life not realizing how powerful society is in shaping their views and normalizing things like rape, violence against women and minorities, and domestic violence.

Today was tough love. They cried, they got angry, they asked questions. They began to understand that they experience rape culture everyday: inappropriate touching on the bus, cat calls from men on the street, being judged for what they wear when they go out, telling me they don't drink in clubs or bars because they are afraid of being taken advantage of, not accepting drinks from men because they don't want to "owe" them, etc.

Today was the day they realized they were victims of rape. The saddest part, to me, is that no one ever told them they don't have to have sex with someone. They honestly believed that if a man did something nice for them, if a they were married to a man, if they accepted a gift, or "really loved" him they'd have sex. They didn't see that as rape. They saw a man in the bushes ambushing them, dragging them to the ground and violently forcing them as rape, because that's what rape is according to the media. When they found out that most rapes are perpetrated by someone they know, or someone they have had sex with before, that they might not involve fighting and weapons, but fear, intimidation, alcohol/and or drugs, the realization dawns.

And it is heartbreaking. It is heartbreaking to watch, knowing what they're trying to process. And all I can do is lead them through it. I can listen, justify their anger, their sadness, their defeat. I can tell them it wasn't their fault and they didn't deserve it, that they are awesome people and that I am proud of them for being in my class. I can offer a box of tissues and a hug, but I can't take back what has happened to them. And I can't necessarily convince them to believe me.

I can only hope, that one day, with time, they will.

The Hardest Question

The question that I get asked the most, and the one that is hardest to answer is, "Why do women stay in abusive relationships?" The question itself is already problematic, but then again so are the answers.

The problem with the question is that it is assuming that Domestic Violence only happens to women. This is simply not true. Domestic Violence happens to both men and women alike, however it is a severely under reported crime. Statistics regarding the abuse that happens to women are most likely incorrect, as many women do not report it. Even fewer men report it, but it does happen to them. The reasons men do not report it are numerous and varied. My first hand experence with male victims of D.V. reveals the following:

• They are embarrassed to admit they are being overpowered by a woman (in the case of straight males)
• They feel like no one would believe them
• They do not want to out themselves (in the case of closeted gay males)
• They feel that this is a problem they should be able to handle on their own
• They feel that there are no resources for men available to them

All of these are very valid fears. When men do speak up and ask for help they are often met by disbelieving law enforcement, and shelters that do not take men and have no services for them. In the case of gay males there is an extra hurdle of homophobia, and having to out oneself when it may not be safe to do so. But, just because it isn't reported, that doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

Now, the meat and potatoes of the question, why do people stay? Again, not an easy answer. Let's start at the beginning. The definition of Domestic Violence is: one person's attempts to control another through any means necessary. Let me break down some of those means:

• Isolating a person from his or her family and friends, either by moving them to a remote location, forbidding them to contact them, not letting them into the house, or by physically restraining the victim so he or she is unable to leave the house.
• This isolation also includes getting a victim fired from his or her job so they become financially dependent on the abuser, selling the victim's mode of transportation so they are unable to leave, and stalking and keeping track of where the victim goes, how long they are gone, and who they are with.
• Physical and sexual abuse, threatening to harm children and/or pets, threatening to commit suicide if the victim leaves, brandishing of weapons, and/or self harm
• Abusers may also incorporate a myriad of insults and put downs, effectively destroying the victim's self esteem and making them feel insignificant and worthless

All of these things lead to a broken person that is unable to muster up the physical and emotional strength to leave their abuser. They may have become financially dependent on this person, they may legitimately fear for their lives, and/or they may not have and financial means to leave.

Another aspect that plays into this is society and social norms. Society tells us that we are supposed to grow up and get married and have a family. Religion tells us that marriage is "unto death do us part". The American dream tells us that the nuclear family is what's best, a mother, a father, children and a dog. This coupled with a broken person, at least in heterosexual relationships is often enough to guilt a victim into staying.

The third aspect, and perhaps the one that is the hardest to understand is love. At some point these victims loved their abusers. They may still love them. It is hard to forget that at some point, this person wasn't abusive and things were great. Victims hold on to the hope that their abuser will change, and their relationship will be like it was in the beginning, if only they get things right: if they keep the kids quiet and the house clean and dinner on time and wear the right clothes and say the right things everything will be fine. They genuinely believe this, it's all they have to keep them going.

And when I tell them that it won't happen, that their abuser is unlikely to change just because they want them to, the ones that aren't ready, the ones that need help the most, the ones that live in danger an fear everyday, they look at me like I'm insane, assure me that their abuser is different, and that they can fix them.

That's the long answer to why people stay. The short answer, and the one that I give when I've had a rough day, however, is "So they won't get murdered by their partners".

I Always Take My Work Home With Me

It is a Friday night. I don't work weekends, and yet, I can't get away from my work. Right now Ike and Tina is on VH1. I don't know why I'm watching it; it's making me feel physically ill. But yet, I cannot turn it off. But this post isn't about that, this is an introductory post, and I'm already off topic.

I work as a Domestic Violence Case Manager/Group Facilitator for a non profit Domestic Violence Council somewhere in the United States. My main goal is to educate. My clients are women and men that have been, or are currently in, violent relationships. I attempt to teach them how to recognize the signs of violent people, how to find themselves, and how to not repeat the cycle of violence. This in itself is a daunting, seemingly impossible task. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes people don't want my help, sometimes they are beyond help. Sometimes there's nothing I can do to help, and that is the hardest.

The purpose of this blog is twofold; to be a cathartic release for me, and hopefully a source of education for you. I promise it'll get more interesting in the future. Hell, in the next post even. Stick with me, you won't be disappointed.