Today a client went into crisis. I'm not sure what sent her into it, but the end result was crying, apologizing, and generally a bad time.
She confided that after she left her abuser she became reliant on cocaine because it was numbing. It numbed the pain, the shock, the disbelief, the guilt, the sadness. It was her coping mechanism. She didn't want to feel, and she knew this drug would keep her from feeling.
Her abuser, whom she was/is still married too was a monster. Physically abusive, verbally abusive, sexually abusive. This is a man that blew up her car so she was unable to leave him. I think I might have done coke too.
This client was surprised when I told her that I understood why she did what she did. She was astounded when I didn't judge her. Who am I to judge? Who is anyone to judge? She did what was necessary for her to survive, there's no way I can disapprove of that. She realized, eventually, that it was a short term solution, and a bad one at that, and stopped using.
However, she desperately needs a therapist. I am not a therapist, although I do my best to listen. Our therapist is full. Where am I supposed to send a woman with Medicaid that needs therapy? And not just any therapy, therapy for domestic violence. The answer is almost nowhere. I'm trying to find her a place, but I don't know if I'll succeed.
That scares me the most.
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