The topics for my classes are set. I cannot change them. I have tried with no success. Today was my least favorite topic: Acquaintance Rape and How You Can Avoid It. The problems start with the title itself.
The fact that we are still teaching women to not be raped instead of teaching men not to rape is hugely problematic. It only serves to reinforce victim blaming and shaming. We shouldn't have to warn women to watch their drinks when they go out, to not dress too "slutty", to fear walking home at night, to take self defense classes, to not be "easy" or "fast" or "loose". I shouldn't have to teach this. Because women and men don't have the onus not to be raped, rapists have the responsibility to not rape. But alas, its part of the curriculum, so I had to cover it.
However, there is no rule about supplementing the curriculum. So, I printed out this fantastic blog post Rape Culture 101 to add to my handouts. My group was small for some reason today, but that's ok. When dealing with this topic in particular I make it very clear that my clients don't have to share if they don't want to (this is true for any day, but I especially don't have to trigger them about rape), but I did ask if they wanted to take turns reading Rape Culture 101 out loud. Three people volunteered. It was awesome. It was powerful. These are ordinary women, most of them not college educated, most of them going through life not realizing how powerful society is in shaping their views and normalizing things like rape, violence against women and minorities, and domestic violence.
Today was tough love. They cried, they got angry, they asked questions. They began to understand that they experience rape culture everyday: inappropriate touching on the bus, cat calls from men on the street, being judged for what they wear when they go out, telling me they don't drink in clubs or bars because they are afraid of being taken advantage of, not accepting drinks from men because they don't want to "owe" them, etc.
Today was the day they realized they were victims of rape. The saddest part, to me, is that no one ever told them they don't have to have sex with someone. They honestly believed that if a man did something nice for them, if a they were married to a man, if they accepted a gift, or "really loved" him they'd have sex. They didn't see that as rape. They saw a man in the bushes ambushing them, dragging them to the ground and violently forcing them as rape, because that's what rape is according to the media. When they found out that most rapes are perpetrated by someone they know, or someone they have had sex with before, that they might not involve fighting and weapons, but fear, intimidation, alcohol/and or drugs, the realization dawns.
And it is heartbreaking. It is heartbreaking to watch, knowing what they're trying to process. And all I can do is lead them through it. I can listen, justify their anger, their sadness, their defeat. I can tell them it wasn't their fault and they didn't deserve it, that they are awesome people and that I am proud of them for being in my class. I can offer a box of tissues and a hug, but I can't take back what has happened to them. And I can't necessarily convince them to believe me.
I can only hope, that one day, with time, they will.
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